If you ever have trouble getting to sleep at night, I’ve published three textbooks on American History — guaranteed to put you right out! Lately I’ve been dreading an email from my publisher, its about time to do some updating and that’s never any fun. Yesterday I did get an email, but it wasn’t about an update or a new edition — in fact I really thought it was a joke so I gave them a call.
After I hung-up the phone, I sat in stunned disbelief — Texas has been taken over by Nazis.
The Texas State Board of Education has decided that it will only purchase history textbooks that align to its own twisted, racist and moronic version of our Nation’s past. Maybe next they can rewrite some Physics books that continue to assert that whole stupid gravity thing. All that’s left is for the school board to schedule the giant book burnings that will follow the statewide round-up of all those offensive, fact-filled books that they’d been using in the past.
Back to that email from my publisher. They wanted to know if I would consent to a rewrite of the offensive portions of my books, so that they could continue to be sold in Texas. Let me tell you, I really had to take a minute and think that one over. Before I tell you what my reply was, let me share a few of the corrections required by the Texas board of troglodytes.
First of all, Texas texts are to stress that America is a christian land governed by christian principles — that’s just so ignorant that I’m going to leave it alone. Next, Thomas Jefferson seems to have offended them with his whole separation of church & state thingy — so much so that Texas specifically requires that he no longer be mentioned as a “primary figure” during the founding of the country. Really…WTF? Uhm, Texas…just in case you’re reading this, or having someone from Arkansas read it to you — HE WROTE THE F*#%KING DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE — how the hell do you have the stones to demand his removal as a “founder?” While I’m at it, how the hell does this bunch of knuckle-draggers have the gaul to say anything about the contents of a school book — I want to see their transcripts — if a single one of them had a better GPA than I did.… I’ll shut-up.
Let’s see, what else — Slavery is no longer to be covered in anyway other than as just part of the Triangle Trade, just a bad habit that the British stuck us with and that we eventually did away with (if, by eventually, you mean 170 years). Edward Kennedy and Cesar Chavez are out — in Texas, they never existed. Oh, and one of my favorite demands — Ronald Reagan is to be portrayed as a national hero who championed the resurgence of conservatism that saved the country during the 80’s and 90’s — (from what I don’t know). Really! I swear I’m not making this up! I guess all that Contra funding Arms for Hostages stuff is just my faulty memory, along with his monkey movies.
I really do hate playing the Nazi/Fascist card — but what the hell else is this? Rewriting your own history to serve a political ideology is the first call out of the Nazi playbook, that and finding a minority to round up.
Ok, so have you guessed what I told my publisher? Let’s just say that I paraphrased Moses (or Charlton Heston, who once played Moses in a movie)
They can have my textbook when they pry it out of my cold dead hand