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Happy Birthday Bill! (of Rights) | davelovell.net
Dec 152011

On Decem­ber 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was rat­i­fied. For the ben­e­fit of Rick Perry and peo­ple like him who can’t keep lists of more than two items in their head, let’s review:

I. You can say any­thing you want except “Fire!” in a crowded the­atre or “Let’s elect Michele Bach­mann Pres­i­dent” in a room­ful of peo­ple with func­tion­ing brains; you can peace­ably assem­ble in pub­lic spaces to call out the gov­ern­ment when it’s act­ing like a dick, but only between 8am and 8pm Mon­day through Fri­day and 9am and 4pm on week­ends. (Wis­con­sinites: don’t for­get to pay Gov. Walker his “assem­bly fee” before you gather.); the press has total free­dom, except where riot police are evict­ing peace­ful pro­test­ers from a pub­lic place with pep­per spray, bull­doz­ers, rub­ber bul­lets, sound-wave can­nons, con­cus­sion grenades, dogs, lasers, tasers and/or clubs, in which case IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Spe­cial Bonus: The United States is tech­ni­cally neu­tral on reli­gion, except dur­ing prayers in Con­gress and invo­ca­tions at inau­gu­ra­tions and at the end of any pres­i­den­tial speech, and also in the Pledge of Alle­giance and on your money and…oh, never mind.

II. Guns—Fuck Yeah! (…and bazookas, too, right? Right!)

III. You don’t have to let sol­diers in your house. But if they’re offer­ing to clean the place, come on in!

IV. No searches and seizures with­out a war­rant unless the infor­ma­tion is gath­ered via a government-approved, immu­nized telecom­mu­ni­ca­tions com­pany which is paid via your tax dol­lars to suck up all your com­mu­ni­ca­tions like a vac­uum cleaner and spit it out at the NSA, where an agent will sort through it all, espe­cially your “secret” cache of porn, for which he thanks you kindly.

V. The amend­ment to invoke when you’ve been naughty.

VI. We Amer­i­cans have an iron­clad, unshak­able and invi­o­lable right to a trial by a jury of our peers. Or, y’know, maybe not.

VII. What? Two jury amend­ments in a row? I’m los­ing inter­est in your list, founders.

VIII.  No cruel or unusual pun­ish­ment shall be autho­rized by any­one except who­ever hap­pens to become America’s 20th Repub­li­can Vice President.

IX.  If the score is tied after nine amend­ments, we go into extra innings.

X. States don’t gotta do nuthin’ if they don’t wanna, and if you don’t agree then we’re gonna secede. Also known as the “sore loser” amendment.

To quote James Madi­son: “Eh…they’ll do in a pinch.”

 Posted by at 6:41 am

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