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My Evil Plan to Become Dictator | davelovell.net
Mar 272012

If I were a wanna-be dic­ta­tor look­ing for some place to make my own, and I really mean my own – I might just pick Ten­nessee; any state polit­i­cally bipo­lar enough to pro­duce both All Gore and Fred Thomp­son is just ask­ing for it.

The con­di­tions would have to be just right; an eco­nomic depres­sion, high unem­ploy­ment, iso­lated urban cen­ters sur­rounded by vast rural areas – so far, so good.  Then I would need a polit­i­cal vehi­cle that I could manip­u­late; one well known enough to engen­der respectabil­ity, yet intel­lec­tu­ally vacant enough to be con­trolled … how ‘bout the republicans!

Now for the most impor­tant fac­tor in suc­cess­ful dic­ta­tor­iz­ing; fear.  I sim­ply need to iden­tify who the major­ity of the peo­ple are, find out what they fear and then blame it on the minor­ity of the peo­ple.  It’s sim­ply a mat­ter of tap­ping into people’s worst instincts, and then telling them how right­eous they are.

So, whom will I have to crush in order to take con­trol of my new domin­ion?  First will be the democ­rats, which should be easy, I’ll just call them social­ists and other things that peo­ple don’t under­stand but think they should be afraid of. Next I’ll have to break the power of the unions since the major­ity of the pop­u­la­tion are in the work­ing classes – oh wait… it’s a “right to work” state – job done.  Then there’s the media; no prob­lem, one cor­po­ra­tion owns 90% of all TV and print media in the state – I’ll just lever­age their cov­er­age with tax breaks and promises to sup­press their com­pe­ti­tion (start­ing with those quaint inde­pen­dent city papers).

Now for the fear fac­tor (and the rea­son this state will be so easy to take) – what the major­ity of my future fol­low­ers fear is los­ing their stuff, and the abil­ity to amass more stuff.  Be it a new bass boat, LCD tele­vi­sion or that week­end in Tunica.  If I can promise them that, they will line-up to hand over their civil rights.

But what minor­ity can I con­vince the major­ity to blame? Blacks? No, too risky and too on-the-nose; I’ll just redis­trict them out of mak­ing any trou­ble.  Gays? Prob­a­bly, but may have to dress that up with some­thing like just ban­ning them from mar­riage or mil­i­tary ser­vice.  Mus­lims?  Too late, it’s already impos­si­ble to build a mosque in this state.

Maybe the old iden­tify a minor­ity and then ship them off to camp idea is out­dated.  I may have more suc­cess with a vaguely defined and thus even more sin­is­ter minor­ity to scare peo­ple with – how ‘bout “lib­er­als?”  PERFECT! And I can roll all of the above stated trou­ble­mak­ers into the same cat­e­gory.  Any­one that claims the sys­tem is unfair or biased can sim­ply be called a “lib­eral” and quickly dealt with.  Genius!


Clarence Dar­row — “…off to my gulag!”

I’m just a bit con­cerned that the Repub­li­can party may not have the stones for the work I have in mind.  I need peo­ple that are so com­pletely con­vinced of their own inher­ent supe­ri­or­ity and the absolute evil of any­one else, that they won’t balk at the things I have in mind… I’ve got it! Evan­gel­i­cal Chris­tians!  They’ll hate any­one I tell them to, and with a zeal that would make a storm trooper blush.


All set then.  First the redis­trict­ing, get my min­ions in con­trol of the state leg­is­la­ture. Check.  Next, leg­is­late myself the abil­ity to dis­crim­i­nate at will.  Check.  Ban the abil­ity of any mal­con­tents to protest.  Check. And, for long-term con­trol of my peo­ple, get con­trol of what is taught in the schools.  I mean if I can con­vince peo­ple that evo­lu­tion didn’t happen…I could con­vince them of any­thing.  Really, what man with nip­ples doesn’t get the idea of evo­lu­tion?  Check.


My plan is per­fect – just hope some­one else hasn’t already thought of it…


good night and good luck

 Posted by at 12:35 pm

  3 Responses to “My Evil Plan to Become Dictator”

  1. If you can man­age this, what hon­orific will adorn your name? “glo­ri­ous leader” really works best for guys in jump­suits and blue block­ers and “the great” is so lady on horseback.

  2. Good ques­tion, and one that might best be answered by my Min­is­ter of Cul­ture — a job which you shall gra­ciously accept; or else!

  3. Pretty helpful.…looking for­wards to returning.|

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