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Paul Ryan & his "Anglo-Pod" | davelovell.net
Aug 312012

I’m a lit­tle more wor­ried about Paul Ryan after his accep­tance speech at the RNC — I assumed the big flam­ing media would pick-up on my new con­cern; but not a peep.  Guess it’s up to me…again.

Dur­ing a sec­tion of his speech when he seemed to be tar­get­ing the hip­ster demo­graphic (not a nat­ural demo for the Mittster…)  he made a Sesame Street “one of these things is not like the other” com­par­i­son between him­self and the Mitt con­cern­ing their ipod music col­lec­tions.  He com­pared Mitt’s to ele­va­tor music… omg, just so, so really funny!

Any­who; in this he tossed him­self the ulti­mate non-breaking fat-one right over his own plate.  All he had to do was decide which demo­graphic to pan­der to and then faux fill his ipod with the appro­pri­ate tunes.  I’m told that his han­dlers had a tough time con­vinc­ing him that the 74 dif­fer­ent polka bands that actu­ally fill his ipod would only appeal to a very small demo­graphic of peo­ple; those who see cheese as really nifty head-wear …and he already has their vote.

…just like this; this is how the Queen waves!”

They went for the Clas­sic Rock crowd; a vic­tory for the VH1’ers over the MTV’ers — so far, so good.  Pos­si­bly his staffers began to name a few bands that would appeal to the refined tastes of the con­ven­tion­ites; Foghat, Sky­nard, Kiss, maybe even the Motor City Mad­man his­self.  It seems that Ryan stopped them, insist­ing that he could rock this list all on his own… and maybe even alphabetically!

And so he did; “…on my ipod, it starts with AC-DC and ends with Zepplin.”

When I heard him say it I grabbed hard onto my barcalounger, expect­ing to see the gath­ered throng storm the stage, and drag Ryan off for a lit­tle refresher on what it means to be a real Amer­i­can — since he clearly for­got.  But they didn’t storm, nor did they drag… wtf?

I’m sure that you were as shocked as I, and even more so as the fol­low­ing days pro­duced a com­plete lack of out­rage and indig­na­tion at the bla­tant anti-Americanism dis­played by this seem­ingly whole­some Wis­con­sin prod­uct (Ryan, not cheese…)

Please don’t mis­un­der­stand me — I’m no musi­cal xeno­phobe; I can accept that Clap­ton is god and I’ve made my peace with Kennedy for allow­ing the Bea­t­les to invade — but while my “made in the USA” ears can appre­ci­ate the Brits, they will always be able to hear the for­eign­ness (social­ized med­i­cine makes the gui­tars sound funny).  And Mr. Ryan; the RNC is no place to be admit­ting to a musi­cal pref­er­ence for foreignness!

What’s next?  When some­one asks him for a flash­light will he apol­o­gize and say that he left his torch in the boot of his auto?  Will his Big Mac and Fries become Fish & Chips? Or even worse; will he begin to mis­pro­nounce “sched­ule” through rapidly decay­ing, but for­merly pearly white teeth?

Maybe you missed it, maybe the media did as well — but I know Karl Rove didn’t.  As we speak a Cross­roads GPS team of Amer­i­can­iza­tion Spe­cial­ists are being HALO dropped onto Ryan’s next cam­paign stop.  They’ll purge the pub cul­ture right out of our young Ayn Randier.  I hope the drop goes well — the last thing the RNC needs is a story of how Ryan’s cam­paign bus caused a traf­fic pile-up because it was dri­ving down the wrong-side of the road… Cheerio!

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